From the Archives: Interviews with Ordinary Nigerians

This piece is about two years old, forgive the rambling and the ranting, Omo-Alagbede Live went onto the streets to talk to "ordinary" Nigerians... sorry, you'll have to insert the stones of Full-Stop yourself into these raging streams of consciousness...

INTERVIEWS WITH ORDINARY NIGERIANS

Q: WHAT IS THE WORST THING ABOUT WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

Taxi Driver
The worst thing about being a taxi driver is when some idiot drives nonsense for you and makes you drive like as if you are a bloody LEARNER and you speed to catch up with him and point your angry mouth at him and pull the trigger and the bullets just PISHAO! PISHAO! on the side of his winded up glass because of the AC he’s enjoying and he cannot hear one word and there’s no single blood on his face and he doesn’t even look at you intentionally and you’re all mad inside with no one to shoot again except an okadaman and it doesn’t worth it because God created them in the first place to be cursed …

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Petty Trader
The worst thing about being a petty trader is when a band of school children invade your stall at 2:30 and HOW MUCH BE DIS ONE AUNTY and your eyes are tired of running after their sprinting fingers AUNTY DON’T YOU HAVE OKIN BISCUIT and those fingers are clearing your medals across the finishing lines of their school bags and pockets and MUMMY GIVE ME MY FIVE NAIRA CHANGE and their two o’clock smell invades you like the smell of fried sweat plus eight-hour armpits plus two year old tokunboh sneakers plus and you think what shit you daily endure and you think of moving to the Federal Secretariat to sell your wares to jobless NA MONTH END WE GO SETTLE YOU MADAM civil servants who at least are more orderly IYA BADE, E SE SUURU O, KO SOWO O, WON N SE SCREENING GHOST WORKERS LOWO NI O but as per the smelliness and pilfering you’re not so sure…

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Bloody Soldier
The worst thing about being a bloody soldier is when some demented General begins a transition to Ci-evil-ian Rule and decides it is time to step aside and give those bloody Alagbadas a chance to have their own go at ruining Nigeria, and they laugh and say thank you for giving us the opportunity to show you How To Ru(i)n A Country in One Term or Two At Best (since one good term deserves another) and we have to watch them from the shadows because power has changed hands and leaked out of the Barracks like an idiot’s balloon…

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Butcher
The worst thing about being a butcher is when all day you chop meat and cut meat and slice meat and the whole world stops to price your meat and buy your meat and even mosquitoes included and you get home and your soup is all empty and all water with no islands and your wife says its nobody’s fault its government’s fault its SAP’s fault and IMF and you are annoyed at nobody in particular and its not her fault after all they didn’t complain in her family when you were dragging two cows to their compound as her bride price when your father was dying of protein deficiency at home and you storm out to eat in a buka and they say no beef only snail and bushmeat and you shake your head and say no give me four fufu no meat because snail meat is one whole day’s profit and…

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Civil Servant
The worst thing about being a civil servant apart from the servant part of it is when they call you a clerk and you are not a clerk and you must emphasize it again and again that you are a clerical officer and not a clerk and there’s a big difference you didn’t know well now you know that I’m a clerical officer on level six and a half and just one more screening and I’ll be on level seven and I’ll be a senior clerical officer and then one more interview and I’m a principal C.O and by then no more carrying dusty files from office to office no I’ll be in charge of my own files and I will open them every day first thing in the morning and blow all the dust out and straighten their edges and I will have my own desk and of course that is not
the terminal point there’s still assistant chief C.O and then the Big Boss the C.C.O oh my God if I haven’t retired by then oh God massive thanksgiving service at the Cathedral and I will get chance for potbelly and you will check me in the office with a ceiling fan not wall or standing and they will tell you Oga is not on seat come back later do you have an appointment with him and…