Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Toyota Plutona, BMW Galaxia, Volvo 951 Gaspra, etc etc

On my way to work this morning (yeah, you're right - atop a "machine") I spied a banner that announced the Lagos Auto Fair, sometime mid-October or thereabouts. And one of the few remaining unburnt bulbs "up there" ON-ned itself, much to my surprise. (Needless to say, it soon OFFed itself, a glorious transition to eternal darkness - which reminds me, I've got to change to flourescent mental tubes; they last longer, resulting in a geometric imrovement in quality and quantity of gumption)... I digress again. Sorry. Yeah, I said a bulb ON-ned itself upstairs and shat an Idea on the floor of my mind (sorry for the mixed metaphor)... more on the Idea later.

Back to the Lagos Auto Fair. I hope at least one of the days falls on a weekend, so I can attend and check out a car or two. My days of okada are finally numbered. I can see the handwriting on the wall. You have been weighed on the scales (a speedometer) and found wanting... your okadas will be taken from beneath you and given to strangers, and you will be sentenced to the back-seat/owner's corner of a (brand-new?) car. Sob. Sob. Please, don't take my okadas away, please. sniff. sniff.


I mentioned a "shat" idea. (Means I have a bulb or two left still shining. Remind me to remember to conserve them by reducing the use of my brain). The idea is plain and straightforward: A short, passionately-worded letter - email is never official enough - to a bundle of "upwardly-mobile" designer-suited, blackberry-clutching old men scattered in corporate penthouses across the globe:

Dear Manager/CEO/MD/Chairman/To Whom it may Concern,
Toyota Inc
Japan, (Or is it Korea? Damn!)
cc. BMW; Kia; DaimlerChrysler; Volvo; Honda


I write to present you with a brilliant, win-win business deal that will soar your revenues and profits and keep those hefty compensation packages away from the shearing scissors of evil corporate regulators and hungry-looking shareholders. I will not waste time before launching into the deal. I would like to offer you prime, exclusive - and FREE - advertising space on my internet billboard (some people call them blogs, but that's a reductionist-terminology approach).

Market research has discovered that my Internet Billboard (IB) is heavily viewed and visited and linked to by thousands of alien groups and communities (see footnote), who, as market research has discovered, have displaced Homo Sapiens on this planet as the market segment with the highest amount of "luxury-good" disposable income.

There are divergent views as to why this is so (and market research is ongoing to know why), but I humbly think that it is simply due to the fact that there are no supermarkets outside the planet earth, meaning that aliens and UFOs are stuck with plenty of money and nowhere to shop - except the planet earth.

You might also want to know that the exchange rate of Alien Money to the dollar has changed very significantly - in favour of Alien Money - in the last few years, due in no small measure to the volatile conditions plaguing Planet Earth - terrorism, global warming, Africa, and the The U.S Army. In the light of this, I foresee a quadrupling (at the very least) of your sales revenues, as aliens abandon their ugly, standingspace-only space-ships and UFOs for beautifully-designed, leather-seated BMWs, Volvos, Toyotas etc.

What this also means is that there is a high possibility that these aliens will commission your companies to design and mass produce space-ships for them. (Toyota Plutona, BMW Galaxia, Volvo 951 Gaspra, etc etc). I will stop here, I believe in Keeping-It-Simple-and-Stupid, knowing how many novel-sized reports and memos you guys have to endure daily. I am offering the advertising space FREE, all I ask is that you donate (only) ONE copy of your latest car(s) to (my) CHARITY, The BOA Foundation for Research into Cheap and Clean Sources of Fuelling for Cars in the 21st Century (BOARiFUEL), to facilitate the continuance of our noble research activities.

Yours Considerately And At Your Mercy BOA
You may wish to call me toll-free on 080-BOARiFUEL for further discussions.

1 comment:

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