Monday, February 12, 2007

100 things you didn't know you didn't know - and never bothered to find out!

That is the title of the latest series you should watch out for on this blog. Let me repeat the title again. (Repeat again, as in "reverse back"):

100 things you didn't know you didn't know - and never bothered to find out!

First in the series (aka No 1) is: The Origin of Valentine - and maybe of the species (2 for the price of 1)

How did Valentine's Day come about?

It started in a garden. You-know-which-garden. Yeah. The serpent gave the historic, first ever val's gift, to Iv, thus launching Valentine's Day. (Forget the St. Valentine's nonsense. It was an afterthought invented by atheists to avoid talking about the garden).

The first ever val's gift, as you have guessed, was an apple. (A bite from an apple, actually, not the whole apple, damn the stingy serpent!)

Where did this leave Heydam?

The angry, jealous, first-man, arrives from the farm to realise that his wife has been valled. He kills the serpent, and in a sparkling moment of brainwave (smb), prepares it (roasting, boiling) and serves it for supper, thus producing, by (more or less) one act, the following:

1) The first act of culpable homicide (a serpenticide) in human history

2) The species known as Homo-Serpent (the "t" is silent, the "serpen" is pronounced with a twist of the lips)
NB. After the supper of snake-suya, snake-burger, snake-in-apple-and-curry sauce and apple juice, Heydam made his way into his wife's leaves (remember, cotton pants, G-strings, tampons, sanitary pads, wrappers and what-have-you were still centuries away from invention) and performed his, uhm, duties, as a husband, or better still, as a MAN. Ehem. Which, uhm, uhm, explains the genetic, uhm, basis for "Homo-Serpent". Or does it?

3) The world's first barbecue night

4) The event that Africans now regard as primal in the evolution of African cuisine (bushmeat!). They (Africans) have since moved on to bigger bushmeat conquests like lions, cheetahs, baboons.

I guess that the question uppermost on your disbelieving (that's your bleddy bizness!) minds is:
"So how did flowers and chocolates come to displace apples as valentine gifts?"

I won't answer it! I put it to you to think hard and come up with your own answers. The answer closest to the true answer (which only I know) will win an autographed copy of my forthcoming book "More banal tales from the you-know-which garden" (Bullshit Press, 2007)


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