Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Exciting Job Opportunities in the Niger Delta

Our client, a Niger Delta Militant Group with branches in strategic locations throughout all the six South-South states of Nigeria is seeking to expand its operations to Abuja, the Federal Capital territory. This expansion has brought about vacancies for qualified and experienced young officers. The positions are:

Area Head, Kidnapping:

The successful applicant who will report to the Executive Council, and the Executive Director, Abuja, is expected to possess the following competencies:

1) Minimum of 10 years experience in militant agitation. (Membership of Al-qaeda, Hamas or other similar organisation will be an added advantage)

2) Fluent knowledge of Hausa, Ijaw, English, Italian and German

3) Expert ability to distinguish between Oyinbos and Albinos

4) Ability to swim in deep waters

5) Ability to recognise fake/marked naira notes by sight

6) Ability to easily recognise all Senators and Ministers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Evidence of previous successful kidnap of BIG MEN must be provided (pictures preferable)


Photographer:

1) Minimum of 5 years experience taking photos in war zones. (Domestic fights do not qualify as war zones for these purposes)

2) Proficiency in the use of explosives as camera lighting.

3) Knowledge of the different skin tones of expatriates, as an aid to taking high-quality pictures, is a must.

4) Proficiency in the use of Adobe Photoshop, and Internet photo uploading software is a must.

Please include a portfolio of previous photo-samples (must contain kidnapped persons OR be taken in war-zones OR be nightshots in blackspots like Oshodi, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon, etc)


Militant Trainee:

1) Candidates must be between the ages of 13 and 50, be at least 4m tall, and may be male or female.

2) Minimum of Nursery School/Kindergarten certificate.

3) Jobless university graduates, and serving policemen will be given special consideration.

4) Possession of jungle boots and face mask is a must.

5) Preference will be given to persons with knowledge of foreign European languages, and persons with the ability to swim.


Renumeration:

Very attractive, competitive, and comparable with industry standards (payments in foreign currencies).

Official guns, boats and grenades will be provided.

Excellent training, involving offshore secondment (Iraq, Afghanistan etc) from time to time

Regular appearance on CNN, Alaaroye, Time Magazine, The Economist and other International magazines.

Excellent networking opportunities with Nigerian politicians, oil magnates, and foreign businessmen.


Interested applicants should forward their applications and detailed curriculum militae within two weeks to:
militant_recruitment@OsamaConsulting.com

26 comments:

Tayo said...

Best Regards,

OmoAlagbede

Recruitment Officer

A blog reader said...

Tolu,

Not Funny.

BOA said...

Dear Blog reader,
Sorry, but No sorry.
"Part of the purpose of literature is to offend your elders," Martin Amis once said. I daresay it's not only elders who are "offencible".
Satire, as far as I'm concerned, is all about irreverence.
Check back, I may be able to recommend blogs that will suit and soothe you, my dear blog reader. But as for me and my blog, we shall serve Satire - all the days of our LIFE. No apologies.

exschoolnerd said...

i thought this was hilarious....

A blog reader said...

Joking about Osamas in the Niger Delta. Maybe you're a great satirist as you would have us believe, or just juvenile.

BOA said...

There are Osamas wandering around bloggistan too, "bombing" innocent bloggers with their disapproving/offended looks...

Maybe your sense of humor got kidnapped long ago (as your comments would have me believe), or you're just juvenile...

A blog reader said...

Juvenile.

A blog reader said...

You, that is.

BOA said...

Dear A Humorless Blog Reader:

I hereby proclaim you winner of the OmoAlagbede Fan of the Month Award. 4 comments in as many, er, minutes! Phew! You must love this blog! If you continue at that rate, you might just help push the number of comments close to 100, which I think would be a bloggistan record. For someone without a sense of humor, you're nice. thanks.

Writefreak said...

OMO ALAGBEDE!!!!!!!!
President Obasanjo must read this! Or sorry incoming "fresident" Yaradua. Before you know it, EFCC will be right in your bedroom and your offence will be "publicity secretary for militants in the Niger Delta, by the way you will hae a second offence, which will be "Attempt to take over the presidency"...hmmm..where will that land you?

The Pseudo-Independent said...

Greetings!
This is only to reserve a seat here and I will be back to comment properly after exploring this excellent blog.
Ill be back. However, just in case I am taking too long, please give me a shout.
See you shortly.

chuks said...

Dear BOA, It is obvious that you know/believe that you are good, and my saying so (or not) is not likely going to make much of a difference. (Even if I can't help saying that I love some of your poems that I have 'managed' to read) However, I suggest that you don't intimidate those who respond negatively to your posts. Unlike Obasanjo, let your critics also have their say and let other readers respond to them if necessary. Atleast, it is said that silence is the best answer to a ... well, humorless reader.

Anonymous said...

The Employer
Niger Delta Militant Group
South South Nigeria
West Africa,
Africa,
Earth,
Milky Way,
World


Dear Sir,

Expression of Interest for the post of Area Head, Kidnapping

I wish to be considered for the above post because I believe I have the requisite training, experience and innate ability required for the job.

For the past 15 years, I have been an active member in various organisations whose main thrust is militant agitation. These organisations include �Struggle for the liberation southern kaduna sons�; where I was assistant head of the guard room, Movement for the electrification of the Ishan Community; where I was the coordinator of the militant mothers wing, and Zango Kataf Community Progressive Force where I was in charge of recruitment for young soldiers just to mention a few.

I am presently on active duty as the assistant commandant at the kafanchan School of Basic Combat Training in Militancy and other Related Endeavours. My duties include drafting willing and unwilling members to the academy between the ages of 4 and 90, physical training and strategic military intelligence to wrest power from the hands of the councillor of felele ward Mr Gabe Ohimoja and hand over to our commander Major Izaiah Godlove.

I am fluent in Hausa and Ijaw. And also fluent in Italian; after all, I know words like pasta in Italian and Berger in German.

I have successfully been able to distinguish between Oyinbo and albino and as a result was able to save the BCPF some funds when our assistant area office kidnapper wanted to kidnap Mr Oyibo Uwaezuoke, thinking he was a British National. Due to my impressive credentials in this area I have also been able to comprehend that Mr Ben Bruce is a juxtaposition of Scottish blood and albinism and that Mr Eddie Iroh of FRCN fame is an albino who had the foresight to make money early in order to purchase some packaged melanin to improve his lot.

Swimming is one of my greatest strengths and I hold the potiskum record for underwater water diving for holding my breath in the shower for over 30 seconds.

I am able to recognise fake naira notes as I have undergone the Fake Naira Detection Course at the Afghanistan School of Weaponry and Military Strategy.

I have a strong ability never to forget a face which enabled me to recognise one Mr Elijah Efepariola when he tried to infiltrate our training camp when I was at the Abraka School of Bomb Manufacture and Explosive Fabrication; recognising the senators and ministers will be a work in a military park for me.

All the above combined with my innate skill in weapon acquisition, bomb detection and detonation, otumokpo recognition and neutralisation and hostage taking in extreme weather conditions, make me the best person for the job.

Please find attached, photos of my exploits in Hostage taking and kidnapping.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Celestina Afakiriya

Hassan Abdul said...

Some one ssent me the 'job advert; sometime ago and i really think it was not just humorous but intelligent too.
However, i think the reply to the 'advert' was even better.
I observed that you have some good links on your site and i was wondering if we could swap links.
I have a website which I just uploaded a couple of days ago, www.jeanscampus.com, dedicated to nigerian youths.
what do you think?
I can be reached through admin@jeanscampus.com.
Thanks,
hassan

manoharan said...

hi friends,
Nowadays job opportunities are plentiful. Just post your resume and get your dream jobs

manoharan said...
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manoharan said...
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manoharan said...
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manoharan said...
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manoharan said...
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manoharan said...
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bathmate said...

As always an excellent posting.The
way you write is awesome.Thanks. Adding more information will be more useful.

Bathmate

Ashok said...

Now a days job is essential for every one.Without the job No one can survive in his life.But the govt jobs are very less number.There are so many job openings in IT/non-IT side in top MNCs.It is very helpful to U.

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