Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Lamentations: Why I Can't Marry Valyusha

I got this loving email on Monday from a certain Valyusha:

From: "Valiusha" <allenluv@btopenworld.com>

To: "Thomas" <>

Subject: Hello, I want to know you!

Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:56:58 +0200

Hello, Dear!

I am looking for a man who can make me happy. I want to hear the whisper of tender words in my little ears every morning I wake up. Iwant to feel the tender touches of his strong hands every evening when we are alone. I want to smell his perfume and to see him smiling when we are together out in the restaurant enjoying each other. I want to make his life a miracle... I am looking for a husband and I am here: http://loveonlyme.com/goodforlove

If my words found an answer in your soul, I am waiting for your note...

Warm hugs!

Valyusha

***

Dearest V,

I got your letter, and read it utmostly flattered to be on someone's longlist/shortlist for human husbandry.

However, sadly, very sadly, I regret to inform you that I will not be able to husband you; for the following reasons (apart from something to do with an abnormal "SPAM COUNT") -

1) You will not hear my whisper of tender words in your little ears every morning when you wake up because I sleep till NOON!

2) You will not feel the tender touches of my strong hands every evening when we are alone because we will not be alone in the evenings. My second job takes the evenings.

3) You will not smell my perfume because I am allergic to ALL perfumes. And you will not see me smiling when we are together out in the restaurant enjoying each other because in the restaurant we WILL NOT be enjoying each other. Not when I will be thinking of the bill I alone will have to pay afterwards.

4) You got my name wrong in your email; you called me "Thomas". Conclusion: If this is the kind of "miracle" you intend to be performing in my life, NO THANKS!

5) On this page of your site where you list gifts you want from me, you did not consider the fact that I am from Africa. You asked for chocolates and flowers and private email lessons and email access, instead of asking for African things like, uhm, uhm, an assurance that I will not marry more wives after you.

Yours Lovely

And loads of feline (not bear) hugs,

Moi.

5 comments:

talatu-carmen said...

I'm heartbroken. I thought Valyusha loved me alone. Now, I see that she has been toying with my affections in the pursuit of other lovers.

I knew that the fact that I am a straight woman might pose some impediments to our love, but i dared to hope. Now that I see that she has been offering her love to others, in the same email format that she first proposed to me, I must put her firmly out of my mind. (sob)

(This is the funniest thing I've read in a while. Thanks for the laugh.)

Christian Writer said...

O wretched woman that I am! Why hasn't Valyusha emailed me?!

BOA said...

Sorry, Talatu-carmen. But with me off the list, that's one man down as you seek to win the loyalty of Valyusha ;-)

BOA said...

ChristianWriter, I guess your e-name put Valyusha off. As an unrepentant polygamist she will certainly keep away from anyone who's got "Christian" in their name! ;-)

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